Why It's Been Quiet

Tim and I had to say goodbye to our baby girl last Thursday, which is why this space has been so quiet.

Styx joined our family in February of 2007, and added a great deal of fun and joy to the house. Watching her run, chase worms, wrestle with bathmats and sass the cats were the highlights of every day.

In July of 2009, she underwent surgery to remove two cancerous tumors and recovered beautifully, but last month I started to notice a slight wobble in her walk. Within a week she was unable to walk more than a few steps without falling to her side and struggling to get up, and by last week she couldn't walk at all.

Below is a picture of her on her last night with us; so frustrated and tired, she didn't even want to eat. We knew it was time to say goodbye.

I held her and kissed her and told her what a good girl she was, and how much I loved her.

She is now resting in what is soon to be a beautiful flower bed right outside our front door.

We miss you, Styxie. You are loved.

Product Recommendation

Three weeks ago I looked like a teenager who had been eating too much chocolate. There was a battalion of small countries forming on my face, which could not even be covered by makeup.

I took a chance and bought Neutrogena Advanced Solutions, because it is available in Target and claims to work faster that Proactiv.

I now look like the acne-free adult I was meant to be. I highly recommend it.

Gotta Love The Redhead

I was discussing Lost theories via text message with my friend Tracy the other day. I expressed a theory that she decided was completely inaccurate and attempted to prove as much by citing a quote from the show. My response was "I can interpret that differently." Hers? "Sure, if you want to be wrong."

Gotta love her.

Things I Said I Would Never Do

But yeah, I'm doing them:

• Become one of those annoying Florida drivers who does not use turn signals. I'm in the turning lane, you should know where I'm going.
• Become one of those annoying people who talks about their pets like they're my kids.
  
• Become one of those crazy Floridians who goes into hypothermic shock when the temperature drops below 50 degrees.
  
• Become the married woman who stops working out. I'm married, he's stuck with me no matter what I look like.
  
• Become one of those losers who discusses Lost theories with anyone who will listen.
  

Confusing Morning

I was very confused this morning, because I woke up to my alarm going off. Why is this confusing? Because it never happens.
My alarm is set for 7:30AM, but Tim leaves at 7:00AM, and the instant he shuts the front door, the cats are yowling to be fed. (The know better than to do this to him. He will lock them in the bathroom or chase them around the house until they find cover and shut up. Apparently he is the alpha male, and they have no respect for me.)
But this morning my alarm went off.
I opened the bedroom door to find Azrael just staring at me longingly, and Hades lounging on the couch.
I called Tim at work.
"Did you feed them?"
"No. But someone got into the closet and they fed themselves. Do not feed them."
At this point Azrael has take up his usual yowling, but Hades is still lounging.
"Azrael seems hungry."
"He's trying to trick you. Do not be fooled!"

Jumping Candy

So I'm watching TV, and suddenly I hear the dreaded, "Baby!" which means that Loki is eating something he's not supposed to.

Tim comes running into the bedroom, holding Loki at shoulder height, and gently tap, tap, tapping the top of his head. Yeah, that's going to make him give up what he's got.

"He's got an M&M."

"Give him to me."

So Tim passes me Loki, and I'm prepared to stick my fingers into his jaws, rescue the M&M and possibly lose a finger, but when I hold him to my face he is already licking his lips and looking at me as if to say, "Oh, did you want one?"

At which point I realize, yes, I do want some M&M's so I head for the bag in the kitchen.

"Be careful," my darling husband says.

"Yeah, those M&M's are tricky. They'll jump right out of your hand if you're not careful."

Dumb ass.

P.S. The next morning, Loki ate breakfast and then did his usual bounding into the bedroom routine, at which point he promptly yakked up all the broccoli, cauliflower, fruit, and yogurt he had just eaten. And I looked at Tim and asked, "By chance did Loki eat a RED M&M last night?" And before I could do anything about it, Loki - not one to readily give up food - had already re-eaten his red M&M stained breakfast.

Why I Love My Husband

Which I suppose is a variation of "Why My Marriage Works"

Because when he comes bursting into the bedroom to find out what I am watching on TV that is causing me to have spontaneous fits of laughter, because if it is that damn funny he wants to be watching it too, he gets this confused look on his face when he sees me sitting in bed reading a book.

"You're laughing at a book? You're weird."

Which calls to mind another time he questioned my sanity while I was reading. I stayed up all night to finish Marley and Me because I was riveted, and in the wee hours of the night when he woke up to me sobbing uncontrollably at the last five pages he said, "Seriously? You had no idea the dog was going to die? You thought this was a book about the world's first immortal dog?"

Why My Marriage Works

Because when I come home from a hard day's work and am greeted by the phrase, "Hi. I'm really hungry," I don't kill him.

Check This Out

So I'm typing my novel outline into Word this afternoon and I type the word "snarky", because it is a word I use with great frequency, and GET THIS: Word does not give it an obnoxious red underline to call attention to the fact that IT'S NOT A REAL WORD.

I am left with conflicting emotions on this subject.

One one hand, it is awesome that "snarky" is now recognized as a real word. (Even though the Blogger editor is giving it the annoying red underline as I type. Apparently Blogger is not as advanced in their "real world dictionary" as Microsoft. Sorry, Blogger.) Look, here's the MS Word definition of "snarky": sarcastically critical or mocking and malicious. Totally spot on.

On the other hand, I was completely convinced that I had invented the word "snarky". This is either not at all true, or I am receiving absolutely no credit for my part in adding to the English language.

I continue to push aside the debris of broken dreams as I make my way through this lonely life.

Sigh.

Who Knew Hedgehogs Were So Damn Vicious?

So, we thought Loki held the household title for "Most Vicious Biter". See what happens when you get in between Loki and Twix bar if you don't believe me.

Bud sadly, Loki lost his title tonight. Here's how:

At about nine o'clock, Styx I and enjoyed our evening romp around the spare room, worm-hunting. While she was hunting one worm, she got particularly frustrated that it kept getting away, twisted herself into a very un-hedgehog like position, and fell over. It was kind of funny, but it also made me realize holy crap, my tiny little hedgehog has gotten FAT.

So I brought her out to see Tim, and I put her butt in the palm of my hand, which causes her to do this really cute "let me up" leg flailing thing, and you can really see the Buddha belly she has grown. And I look at Tim and I say, "Look, Daddy! Look how fat I am!"

At which point Styx shuffled herself into a sitting position and viciously bit down on my index finger. Now, I remember reading something when we first got her about hedgehog bites. Something about the fact that they won't let go until what they are biting is eaten. I had never again given this a thought, because in the three years we have had her she has never bitten anyone. But the tidbit ran through my head after she latched on, and suddenly I'm whimpering like a three-year-old kid, and Tim is all, "what do you want me to do?!" because she's not letting go. "Go get more worms! Maybe she'll give up my finger and go for the actual food!"

So Tim runs to get more worms, and I'm still whimpering, hedgehog with a death-bite attached to my finger, and I'm trying not to move, hoping she'll get the point that I am not food, but every time I breathe she chews a little harder. When Tim gets back with the worm, puts it right in front of her face and she gets a whiff, she must decide that yes, this definitely is a worm, and bites down with all the strength her little hedgehog jaws have which, believe me, is A LOT.

So here I am, still whimpering, thoughts of having to have a hedgehog surgically removed from my finger dancing in my head, with Tim frantically waving a worm at my finger. Finally I decide to pull real hard, my finger in one direction, her in the other, and as she senses her prey getting away, she opens her mouth to readjust her grip and I get free.

I marched her back to her cage, muttering bitch this and bitch that under my breath, and when I get back to the living room Tim is laughing hysterically, and all he says is, "That'll teach you to call her fat."

Rebel

You think people texting while they're driving is annoying? Just wait until I attach my laptop to my dashboard with Velcro because the only time I can put together a novel-worthy sentence is while I am driving.

So, texting? No biggie. Crazy chick writing her manuscript while also attempting to apply mascara and change lanes? Watch out.

Bow Chick-A Bow Bow

So we figured it out.

There are two stray cats that consistently lurk around the patio and antagonize Hades and Azrael. One looks like a Maine Coon - you know, one of those stripy cats with the big, bushy raccoon looking tail? - and the other one is a fluffy orange and white stripy cat.

When the Coon comes around, Hades and Azrael get all freaked out; tails fluffed, backs arched, hissing and growling and the whole bit.

When the fluffy orange kitty comes around, Hades' entire attitude changes. Suddenly he's Casanova kitty, rolling around on his back, purring and doing that annoying "I can meow like a pterodactyl" thing. I think it might be his mating call.

So yesterday, Tim and I are all, "Eureka! We've got it!" The Coon is a male, and fluffy orange is a female, and the lack of testicles has not affected Hades' libido or his territorial instincts in the least.

Azrael, on the other hand, could care less about fluffy orange. He lets Hades make a fool of himself while he walks around the patio staring at things like he's never seen them before. "A shovel? When did you guys get a shovel? This shovel is really cool. I'm going to sit here and stare at this shovel because it is the coolest shovel I've ever seen and I can't bear to watch my brother make a complete ass out himself through the screen door."

Shattered Dreams

You know what sucks? When you wake up on a Friday and think it is Saturday. That really sucks.

Natural Instincts

After 16 years of coloring my hair, I have finally decided to let it grow out to its natural color.

Only problem is that it will probably turn out that its natural color is gray, and then I'll have to start all over again.

Punishment vs. Reward

I think cops should randomly start pulling people over in order to commend them for doing something right.

Like the other day. I stopped at a yellow light when I had more than enough time to make it through before it turned red. I was feeling very self-satisfied, but was then quite disappointed when I scanned the intersection to discover that there was not a cop to be found. But you know had I run that yellow light, one would have appeared like he had been beamed there by Scotty himself.

So I for one wouldn't mind being pulled over and congratulated for stopping at the yellow light. Especially if I got a lollipop instead of a ticket.

Why My Marriage Works

Because even though I detest the incessant drumming with every fiber of my being, I not only bought him a drum set, but I continually resist the urge to barge in while he is playing and shove a drumstick up his nostril until it penetrates his brain.

Sore Loser

Loki refuses to play sock with me anymore because when he attacks and then "death rolls" onto his back, I pin him to the floor so his little skunky head thrashes back and forth in frustration. I mean, I try to be fair about it. I count to ten and give him a chance to get up, but he's usually so frustrated by then that he stomps away and proceeds to pee in my shoes.

Sore loser.

So Excited I Could Spit

It's LOST day!

If you don't know what I'm referring to then I don't want to talk to you ever again. Ever.

Elevator Etiquette, Part III

Just because I happen to get into the elevator first does not automatically make me the "elevator operator."

So don't huff and puff and look all self-righteous when you have to push the button for your floor.

Unless I am physically blocking the elevator button panel, it is not my responsibility to ask you what floor you are going to and then push the button for you.

Self-absorbed ego-maniacal lazy pigs.